What About Me? The Partner of a Sexual Abuse Survivor

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One of the things we hear partners of survivors say the most in our forums is, "What about me?". It is normal to feel neglected and lost when your partner is working on healing from their abuse. You have suddenly found yourself in a relationship that is in a constant state of change and change can be frightening.

There are some important things to do when you find yourself overwhelmed with feelings that you don't understand.

1.   You need to make sure you have support for yourself. Ask your partner if it is ok to disclose their abuse to a close friend. If it is make sure you tell this friend that you need someone to talk to about how you are feeling. They don't have to offer advice. You just need to have someone who can listen and empathize with you. It might be necessary to find a therapist for yourself (especially if your partner doesn't feel comfortable with you telling anyone about their abuse).

Another option is to join a forum for partners of sexual abuse survivors such as the one on this site (a closed group for partners only) or other sites, some of which are open to partners and survivors also, a few are partners only.

You will also find many of the helplines for abuse survivors also are willing to talk to partners and some of them also run real life support groups for partners.

Often when a loved one is healing this will bring up issues within yourself that you didn't realize or you thought you had resolved. Therapy can help you work through those things as they come up. It might be helpful to find a therapist who is trained to help survivors of sexual abuse. They will be able to lead you toward productively helping yourself and your partner through this difficult time.

2.   Learn about what your abuse survivor partner is facing. The more that you understand the effects of child sexual abuse the more likely you are to understand what is happening in your home. This site and many others has a lot of good information regarding different issues your partner will face while going through the healing process. There are also a lot of good books that can offer insight into the different things that your partner might encounter in their journey. There are also books geared towards partners of survivors. The most popular being ALLIES IN HEALING by Laura Davis.

3.   Find things that you enjoy doing without your partner. Join a book club. Join the gym or simply go for a walk. Talk an art or cooking class that you have always wanted to try. Also, remember to take care of your health. Proper eating and sleeping habits will go a long way towards helping you being able to give back to your partner. You can't give away something you don't have to give. Taking time out gives you the ability to be a strong and loving support for your partner, as well as setting a healthy example for their own healing.

4.   Try not to take things that your partner is doing or saying personally. More often than not you aren't why they are angry, sad, confused or embarrassed. Give them a little space and forgiveness and you will soon find out what was really going on.

5.    It is OK to state what you need and want. Your partner may not always be able to meet those needs but it is important to communicate them. This will help keep healthy lines of communication open and help you to release any negative energy you have been storing up.

Remember that no two journeys are alike. No matter where your journey takes you and your partner you are now both on a road toward a healthier and more fulfilling life. Take it one step at a time.

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By babyjenn a member of our partners forums.

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Articles for partners of abuse survivors

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